I recently came across #LetsTalkAboutRape, a 2016 Hindustan Times’ campaign. Mary Kom, in her open letter tells her sons that she was violated when she was barely 17. She wrote this letter when she was 33. I wonder what would she say if she had to talk about it when she was 17.
Most 17-year-old children (girl and boy) know about violations and have experienced it too. But do they have the vocabulary to articulate it?
I am reminded of one such evening of insufficient articulation and incomprehensible fear. I was a 17-year-old girl then and my 13-year-old brother had asked me, “Didi, rape ka meaning kya hota hai?” (What does rape mean?)
I knew it. I had experienced the violations. But it felt like….
Someone had numbed my ears with a loud explosion next to me.
Someone was blinding me by painting everything black around me.
Someone had made me disappear under water that was surrounding me.
My heart raced as I sifted through the examples I could give my brother to explain rape. I froze while he stared at me wide-eyed for an answer. I cannot recall what I told him. Knowing myself, it must have been, “I don’t know”.
One didn’t utter ‘rape’ before parents. We didn’t have the luxury of internet to look up ‘what to say when kid sibling asks about rape’. So, I spoke with a friend. Both of us tried hard to come up with ideas to explain rape to my brother. But we couldn’t. We dropped it there and went back to playing badminton.
We can no more drop questions like these from our children. It is high time we stop washing hands off our responsibility in the garb of protecting children. Ignorance isn’t always bliss. Firstly, we have to stop making our children feel uncomfortable for asking us questions. And then, we have to equip ourselves to be able to talk about any question that children ask.
Here is a quick glance about how one can handle this question:
- Teach your toddlers proper names for genitals and make it comfortable for them to talk about genitals. A toddler will never ask about rape. But it helps to normalise conversations at a later stage if children know that there is nothing shameful about genitals
- Tell them their bodies belong to them. They get to choose who can touch them, where and how they can be touched. If they don’t want to be hugged or kissed by someone, it is Ok. How about a handshake, a hi-five or blowing a kiss instead?
- Explain consent: No one can force them to do anything that they do not like. If they feel like something is not Ok, then it is not Ok. Teach them to trust their intuitions.
- Tell them that they are not allowed to touch anyone until the other person agrees. Teach them that they need to ask again if the other person appears uncomfortable. Set constructive examples by practicing consent during different situations at home.
- Keep your answer normal and factual. E.g.: When someone forcibly touches their genitals or forces them to touch someone’s, it is rape.
- Don’t stop there. Tell them that if it ever happened, they can scream, kick, bite the person and run away from there
- Teach them to talk about this to an adult. Tell them such things are not secrets. Assure them that nothing bad will happen to them if they share it with you.
- When adolescents ask these questions, you could use instances from movies, media, news to talk about it more extensively.
- Adolescents and young adults know about legal provisions. Be prepared for those questions. It is Ok to say that you don’t know. How about finding out stuff together?
- Lastly, talk about rape to both boys and girls. Because boys are as susceptible to physical violations as girls. And personal safety is gender neutral.
Check this for more age appropriate methods of explaining rape.
An edited version of this article was published in Next Gurukul on May 7, 2019.
Picture credits: Kiran Joan. Kiran paints, sculpts and illustrates. Get in touch on kiran.joan@gmail.com / www.behance.net/JoanKiran / Instagram: @privatejoanx.
